The
Twelve Stories of Christmas – Day 6 Sarah Hemlock
Brianna left my
room after we had talked most of the day away. We had spoken of our trip to the
courts this summer and I could tell that she was happy. More than happy and
that made me happy. I smiled at myself in the mirror and began brushing my hair
again. It was still blond and from what I could tell, I did not have one gray
strand yet.
Yes I was happy.
Nothing could ruin this happiness. My happiness was strong. It was endless. It
broke. Tears started pouring down my cheeks and I stood in anger and stomped my
feet until I could stop.
I should be
happy! Why wasn’t I happy? I had two beautiful daughters and I was miserable.
Most of the time I could ignore it, but I could never forget it. But this just
proved that happiness was worthless, pointless. I could still function and live
without it and no one could argue that. Why, when Abigail died it was like someone
had ripped into my stomach and emptied me out. But I could forget her
eventually. After all she was just my sister. I could survive without her
memory.
“Abigail!
Come back. Where are you going?”
“To
play in the snow.”
“But
you’re new shoes you just got for Christmas, they’ll get ruined.”
“Fine
then I’ll wear my old ones.”
“No,
you’ll ruin them too.”
“I
can do what I want Sarah!”
“No
you can’t Abigail!”
“Can
too!”
No! I could not
think of that. That was too painful a memory. All the fun and laughter, it just
poisoned you to the realities of the world. That was why I had nipped laughter
and simple pleasures in the bud when I saw them developing in Ella and Rose.
Brianna had to be pleasant since she would make the best marriage, so I had
allowed it, but no, not for the other two. Some might think me cruel for it,
but I saw it as mercy, especially since Ella was so much like Abigail.
Oh why did that
little brat, that plain faced, fire spitting brat have to look and think and
sound so much like her mother? This pain was unbearable and I did not deserve
to have this constant reminder. I had paid my dues and I had done such a nice
job of blocking the pain of her death from my mind when she had finally passed
on. It had been merciful when it happened and I could go a full week without
having to face it, but when I came here it was like a torture chamber.
Everything reminded me of her. The look of the house, the smell of the linens,
the bright spark in her daughter’s eyes. Ella needed to learn now that just
because you breathed didn’t mean that you got the niceties of life. I was doing
my niece a favor.
“Ella!
Come back. Where are you going?”
“To
play in the snow.”
“But
you’re new coat, it will get ruined.”
“Fine
then I’ll wear my old one.”
“No,
you’ll ruin that one too.”
“I
am allowed to play outside Aunt Sarah. I can do what I want out there.”
“No
you can’t Abigail!”
“…
Abigail? Aunt Sarah I’m Ella.”
“Yes,
I know who you are you stupid girl. Go to your room and you are not allowed to
come out for the rest of the day.”
That was enough
of this! It was Christmas, I should be happy. It was the season of light and
joy.
“Hello
my light and joy.”
“Harold!
Stop, not here.”
“What?
I am just giving my new wife a kiss under the mistletoe.”
“Yes,
but in front of everyone?”
“Why
not? We kissed in front of everyone at our wedding.”
“Yes,
I suppose we did you blue eyed boy.”
“You
forgot the word awesome in there somewhere.”
I gripped the
side of my desk and squeezed. These memories had to stop. I needed some fresh
air. I walked to the window and pushed it open. The cool air did wonders for me.
I could forget about my unfaithful husband and all his charms, promises and
hypnotizing eyes. Eyes he had dared to give Rose. Eyes that induced gilt in me every
time they looked up at me.
“I didn’t kill
you. You killed yourself.” I said to the room.
“What
do you want for Christmas my dear?”
“Nothing
my love. All I could want is growing inside you right now. He or she will be a
perfect addition to our family. Right Brianna?”
“Yeth.”
“Yes
Brianna, not yeth.”
“Sarah,
she is two, give her a little break.”
“Oh
alright, but only if you kiss me.”
“More
than happy too.”
“STOOOOP!” I
took a deep breath only to have it come out as a heavy sob. I sunk to the floor
and cried into the carpet.
I eventually
stopped, though it was hours later and I just kept thinking over and over
again.
You
must be happy. You must be happy. You must be happy. You must be happy.
Why
am I not happy?
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